Limit (Part 1)

My last post on this blog was unironically published on August 3 years ago. Three years sounds long enough to achieve even the smallest, simplest ever thing in life, for anybody. Take one example or two, building a habit of morning run routine or daily breakfast or stopping caffeine intake and starting fruits intake without break for 3 years long. Things as simple as that. I still cannot achieve it. 

Unsurprisingly, life really started after entering workforce. Tracing back what I had gone through in the last 4 years:

- 2018 early: been a year since dad got early laid off, got accepted as a part-timer in a startup software house (that is now my current cursed workplace) while finishing thesis in a target of one semester, it was my 9th semester and i couldn't afford to take any more semester due to financial stuff and mainly because uni was already draining me out, truly a tight match with time

- 2018 mid: officially graduated on july, continued contract employment with current workplace which was the start of most of my recent regrets, went to the capital city for the first time ever and got hooked by the cityscape 

- 2019: dad passed away right on my 24th birthday, went to singapore on a whim, accidentally slashed my left palm when i cut apple while having a high fever 

- 2020: pandemic, wfh trend, and the rest until now is history 

Ever since dad got laid off, I knew I'd be the next family backbone and I very much accepted the role, it's a given, I can't escape. But family condition was no longer as peaceful as ever before. Mom nagged dad almost everyday because he wasn't getting any other stable job. I hate the way mom pressured dad. It's not dad's fault. I know he's a reserved person and often kept most of the things in his life to himself. Vehicle mechanical and driving were the only things he had done all his life. At one time, he changed his whatsapp profile picture to a roadway image with text that he's accepting vehicle services on it. That was my hard cry ever in a while because I knew how desperate he was with the situation and not that he could do much either. I remember having a very bitter times back then and that's what made me start to look for a job fitting for a year-end uni student like me. Though luckily I also got other small commissions to work on social class filming in a middle school or prototyping a simple app. Anything i could hang on to so that I wouldn't at least burden family's financial anymore.

So when I was offered to work as a full time contract employee at the workplace where I had my part-time job at, I wasn't thinking twice because I wanted to have my own income as soon as possible and help a bit easing family's financial. Really wasn't a situation where I could choose or have been given options. 

There, I was sent to the capital city not less than a month after I signed a contract. What's good was, the capital city was an eye-opening experience for me. What's bad was, I could not resign until the written date of my contract ends or else i would have to pay a penalty fee of 10x my current wage. Sick, honestly. But again, not having much options was my only force to go on. Sis started uni, enrolled in a 3-year college program majoring in office and accounting. 

Dad's passing on exactly my 24th birthday was something I still hardly comprehend even now. The date might be just destined, but the way he left so suddenly and without leaving any significant moment with us was very... sad. I can't think of any other miserable word. 

About two months after, an idol group I adored was coming to neighboring country singapore for a joint concert, the closest to the country where i live they've ever gone to. I felt like it would be truly  a once-in-a-lifetime experience so I just made a passport and went there on a whim, while still having a great loss and grief in heart. It was my first time ever riding on a plane and singapore was a very nice country. 

Up to this point, I still have not thought of the future deeply. I just knew I had to survive somehow.